We Shall Overcome

     In September, I started volunteering as a co-facilitator of a support group for high school kids in Philadelphia who have experienced the death of a loved one (typically a parent or grandparent).  I have been amazed by their willingness to share their feelings and by their support of one another.  As I hear them talk about the times they've cried, about how they care for their younger siblings, and ask each other thoughtful and genuine questions, I feel honored to be a part of their healing process, grateful that this outlet is available to them, and proud that they were brave enough to take advantage of it.  However, then I hear them talk about their anger, about fighting in school on a regular basis, about having been arrested, about friends who have been murdered, and my heart breaks.  This is the reality for so many young students in the city of Philadelphia, and it just shouldn't be that way.  I see the hearts in these kids, I see the goodness, and the authenticity.  But, it's a matter of survival sometimes.  This is what they know.
     I have passion.  I am inspired.  But how do we change the reality of a city?  How do we change something that is the result of such a large-scale problem?  How do I, someone who has lived a life of such privilege in comparison, and who has never known what it's like to feel unsafe in school or on the streets of the neighborhood in which I grew up, make them see that education matters, that they can have a bright future, but they have to be willing to fight for that instead of fighting each other?  It takes a tremendous amount of strength and courage to overcome the obstacles these kids face; to break through a reality that consists of poverty, drugs, and violence.  I just want them to know that it's possible, and that they are way more powerful than they realize.  Yes, I am the cliche...I want to make a difference.  I'm not so naive as to think that I can single-handedly change the world.  But, if I can help change the trajectory of just one kid's life, then I have at least changed his/her world.  And that is good enough for me.

Hope

I've lived a thousand lives
And you were only part of one
A distant shadow of a memory
Amidst the life I've just begun.

And while it's sometimes hard
To tell the past from what's real
It's never been enough
To justify the way I feel.

There is so much more underneath
More than anyone will see
And my greatest stifling fear
Is that no one will ever look for me.

I know who I am
I know what I can be
But I know that you
Only see the worst of me.

My heart starts to crumble
Though my mind stays strong
Because while I see one thing
The mirror's never wrong.

I pick myself up
Only to fall back down
Mindful of the ticking clock
Hoping my time will come around.

If I make it one more day
With a smile on my face
At least I hold the dream
Of a distant vacant space.

Arms outstretched
And hope growing thin
It's about where I'm going
Not where I've been.

I choose a world
That hasn't chosen me
But the more I believe
The better off I'll be.

While I Wait For Sleep

I turn on a soothing melody with a familiar voice
With every note, I struggle to focus, as it fights for my attention
What would I have done differently?
What is this dull ache I feel?
Paranoia spawns a creeping anxious feeling
Tossing and turning, covers on, covers off
Imagination runs wild with thoughts of you
Whoever "you" will be
But I can hear the voice, and feel the touch
It makes me smile, and brings me peace
Until I realize that it's not yet real
But not quite a dream
Just the tricks my mind plays on me
While I wait for sleep.

Lesson Learned

Here I am again. In that same familiar place. But this time there's a new weapon in my arsenal. A new smile on my face. A new star to reach. Fool me once, shame on you. Fool me twice, and it's all my fucking fault. But a lesson learned is a life worth living. That's the difference. That's the victory. Every step is growth. Every risk taken, a promise. To never look back, to never look down, to never look at anything with doubt or regret. My footprints carve a path that only I can take. My eyes see a world that only I know. My heart bleeds with emotion only I can feel. And that is a beautiful thing.

Jailhouse Blues

I have been incarcerated by my own mind.  I have created these bars that keep me on the other side of life.  I am the prisoner and the warden.  I've tried every key I can find, and none of them work.  Some of them fit the lock,  but I just can't get them to turn.  I straddle the line of hope and hopelessness, leaning some days to one side, and some to the other side.  Once in a while, I reach my hand through the bars, for a taste of freedom.  This is what it feels like...the heat of sunshine on my arm, or the feel of a light breeze through my fingers, the touch of a loved one that draws me out, yet burns like fire.  And then I pull my arm back in, and contemplate how I got in this cell in the first place.  Why was I plagued with a mind that won't let me be free?  I'm here because I'm guilty.  Because it's somehow my fault that I've lost the key.  Because I know it's somewhere.  I've seen it before, at some time in my life that I can hardly remember now.  I am alone in this jail, watching the world go by.  Every day, I frantically scratch at the walls, hoping to find the secret hole where the key is hidden.  But, all I find is crumbling cement, the remains of failed attempts.  It's lonely and sad in here.  It's dark and confusing.  I am my own worst enemy.  I will scratch and dig until I find what I'm looking for, what I need to be free, what I need to feel like everyone else.  I am afraid of the outside, but I've done my time.  

Being Present Is a Gift (haha...get it?)

Despite the very corny post title, I am very serious about this new goal of mine:  Be present.  I've realized that, way too often, I have no awareness of what's happening in the present moment (i.e. driving on the highway, adrift far into the depths of my mind, only to snap back to reality unsure of whether I'm on 476 or the turnpike because I haven't been paying attention to the present moment.  I've just been going on autopilot.)  Rather, I'm lost in my own head, usually dwelling on the past, or worrying about the future.  I've found, though, that if I can focus only on the present moment, be fully aware, be fully present in my own life, then all the dwelling and the worry gets drowned out.  It makes sense...the past has happened, it's gone and it's never coming back.  Reflection is one thing, and it has it's time and place for sure, but dwelling is never helpful.  On the other hand, the future isn't here yet, and is never guaranteed.  So, why not focus on right now...the one thing we know is real, we know is definite, and which we can control?



Just like any bad habit, it takes time to change.  It takes a conscious decision to recognize your wandering thoughts, and bring them back to the here-and-now.  But, I've found that those moments in which I'm most present, are the ones in which I'm also the most content.  There is a lot to appreciate in this world if you care to take notice.

Another Chapter

In the book of my life, I feel like most chapters are defined by a relationship.  What I find interesting (and I'm not sure yet exactly what I mean by "interesting") is how definitive an ending some of those chapters have come to have.  Of course, there are recurring characters in my life.  But, then there are those that have come and gone, completely, some without much warning, others a long time coming.  It's hard to wrap my head around the idea that I could be so close to someone, call them a best friend, say we're in love, whatever the case may be, and then one day, that chapter is over and they vanish from my life.  But it happens.  It's happened to me several times for one reason or another.  Some chapters have ended and I've never looked back.  Others still call to me sometimes, and I have the urge to peek back at a page or two.  Just to relive the good times and try to remember with fondness instead of resentment or hurt.  But that's the problem with my book.  The chapters that tempt me are the ones I really should never look back on, because in my head and my heart, they are not truly closed.  Supposedly time heals all wounds.  Some chapters take more time than others to complete.  Meanwhile, I fight the urge to flip back to a familiar page.  And just keep hoping that the next chapter will be the best one yet.

I am a Cognitive Therapist's Dream Come True

I was reading a chapter for class the other day about Cognitive Therapy.  My textbook says the following,

"In trying to discern functionality and/or rationality of a client's thinking, Maultsby (1984) proposed the following criteria:
1.  Rational thinking is based on obvious facts.
2.  Rational thinking helps people protect their lives and health.
3.  Rational thinking helps people achieve their own short- and long-term goals.
4.  Rational thinking helps people avoid their most unwanted conflicts with other people.
5.  Rational thinking helps people feel emotionally the way they want to feel without using alcohol or drugs."

The goal of cognitive therapy, then, is to correct dysfunctional or irrational thinking.

Now, let's look at my thinking in relation to the four points above:
1.  My thoughts are often based on assumptions about what others are thinking or feeling.
2.  My thoughts often make my life harder to live and decrease my mental health.
3.  My thoughts often consist of reasons why I'll never reach my goals.
4.  My thoughts often cause conflict with others (particularly in regards to romantic relationships).
5.  Most of the time, my thoughts cause me to feel sad, upset, inferior, hopeless...the exact opposite of how I want to feel.

Hmmmm.....

This isn't really news to me. But it sort of puts it into perspective to see it laid out like that.  And while it seems like it should be a relatively easy thing to just change the way you think, to just tell yourself what you want to hear and fake it 'til you make it, it's something I struggle with on a daily basis, and have for as long as I can remember.  Sure, I recognize that my thoughts aren't always based in true reality, but it's my reality for whatever reason.  I can even recognize when I'm doing it...but I can't stop it.  My brain can't seem to accept another reality, even if it's the true, rational one.  So, herein lies the problem.

Regression...

...is a bitch.  I've had a rough couple of days.  I've fallen back into old habits, and talked that crazy talk.  I'm not gonna lie...it scares me.  But, I have a couple of theories as far as why, and so I'm now eliminating as much of the cause as I can.  Yesterday, I was ashamed of myself.  I was disappointed.  I was angry.  But, this morning, I woke up in a different frame of mind.  I think that setbacks are normal on any course to significant change.  So I'm not going to beat myself up over it.  It's just a reminder of the work I still need to do, and that this work is never easy and never done.  But I guess it wouldn't be "work" if it was easy.  I  feel like there's a demon version of myself, and the past couple of days I've been fighting her off in some sort of low-budget horror movie.  I guess I was successful  because I'm still here, and she's not, or at least she's back in her hole where she belongs.  But that's not good enough.  Someday, she'll be completely gone.  Blown into oblivion by my happiness, confidence, and self-awareness.  Kind of like the Care Bear stare ;-)

Yesterday, I felt hopeless.  Today, I'm forgiving myself and moving forward with my eye on the prize.

Life Is So Unfair

I try to do what's "right."  But what if what I know in my heart to be right is completely wrong to some of the most important people in my life?  What if I've finally gotten what I've been looking for, but admitting that could potentially destroy something else that means so much to me?  I realize I'm kind of talking in code, and there's a reason for that.  People who know me well will probably get it.  But, regardless, I need to vent.  I just want to know, at what point, if ever, is it okay to put my happiness first?  I truly believe in second chances and open minds.  But, not everyone shares that perspective.  It's not fair for me to have to give up something that could make me so happy because of the opinions of others, no matter how important they are to me.  Yet, while I am 100% confident in my perspective, and in my "right" choice, I feel as though I'll pay for it either way.  The difference being who gets hurt, me or someone else.  I deserve to be happy.  And I deserve for the people I love to be happy for me.  So, why is this so impossible?  Life can be so unfair. :-(

30 Days

Well, it's been 30 days.  So, did I stick to the no alcohol plan?  Nope.  It turns out I have more of a social life than I realized.  But, I did stick to one important part of it, and that's no drinking alone/at home.  And mood-wise, I definitely do see an improvement, and it's a rule I plan to continue following.  In fact, I don't even miss it anymore.  I do still want to cut down on the social drinking, though.  It's not good for my waistline.  I blame it on the Winter.  It's too cold to be outside, sooooo.... go to a bar!  Once it gets warmer out, though, I'd like to take advantage of the outdoors more (and this time I don't mean the deck of the Manayunk Brewery) and be more active.  So, the war is far from over, but at least one battle has been won.

Too Young To Die

Today, I found out that yet another person not much older than me has died.  I don't know how, but I guarantee it wasn't anything self-inflicted.  I never knew her well.  Only hung out with her once or twice.  But, I am shaken by the death of yet another person who was just too young to die.

When I think about the number of young people who have died since high school, I am floored.  Some from drug overdoses and other bad decisions.  But, many from things completely beyond their control...plane crashes, brain aneurysms, car accidents, random illnesses.  I wish I could go back to a time when I never thought about death.  When I felt invincible.  When it was just something that wouldn't happen for many, many years.  But, now, I think of it as an inevitable conclusion that could take me at any moment.  And to say I am terrified would be an extreme understatement.

I'd love to believe in reincarnation.  That, while we may only have THIS one life, we will have others, with other purposes and experiences.  But, who knows.  It just doesn't seem logical.  All I can imagine is nothingness.  Forever.  At the same time, that doesn't really seem possible either.  I could get into a whole religious or existential discussion about it.  But, the bottom line is, we'll never know until we're there.

Sure, it's a reminder that life is fragile and precious.  It's a reason to live every day to the fullest and never waste time worrying or caring about things that just don't matter.  In that way, I'm trying to use it as motivation.  Ultimately, though, it's always fear.  It's the one obstacle I have no idea how to overcome.  I try to just not think about it.  But, I do too often.  And then I feel a pit in my stomach, a feeling like no other, an insurmountable fear.

For now, though, I'm here.  And I'm more than appreciative of every day I get to be.  Today, my thoughts are with the families and friends of everyone who lost someone just too young to die.

Taking Risks

On the first day of my favorite class (Group Dynamics), my professor (my favorite of all time, might I add) told us that we'd be doing an activity that would involve taking risks.  How much or how little we wanted to risk, though, was up to us.  I've since realized that he wasn't just talking about that activity, or even that class.  He was talking about life.

Throughout my life, I've generally been more of a scaredy-cat than a risk-taker.  Scared of heights, scared of the ocean, scared of being judged, scared of not fitting in, fears on multiple levels.  But I'm proud to say that, at 32-years old, I've finally started to take risks.  Maybe not in the physical sense...I'm still afraid of heights and the ocean and won't be scaling any mountains any time soon.  But, socially, I've become much more of a risk-taker.  I've been online dating for a while now (I realize the "for a while now" part makes me sound more like a loser than a risk-taker, but whatever), and although I've yet to find any true success, it's not hurting either, and what have I got to lose.  I speak up in class a lot more than I ever have before.  I also attended two events this weekend where I knew absolutely no one.  One being a volunteer event, and the other purely social.  In both cases, I put myself out there, and it paid off.  Both were really positive experiences, and I had an exceptionally good weekend.

So now that I've jumped in, I feel as though each risk will feel a little less risky.  I only have this one life (as far as I know.  I'd still really like to believe in reincarnation, though) and I want to make the most of it.  In my counseling program, we are told time and again that anxiety is necessary in order for change to happen.  Nothing will change without an element of discomfort.  It makes sense.  And this journey is supposed to be about positive change.  I'm realizing more and more that taking risks is necessary for change.  If I don't step out of my comfort zone (which doesn't feel so comfortable anymore anyway), I'll be stuck in the same rut forever.  So far, so good.  The benefits are far outweighing the potential costs (maybe I should have been an Economics major with all of the cost/benefit analyses I've been doing lately).  So, I'm gonna keep going.  Ain't no stoppin' me now! :-)

Goodbye, Old Friend

I made a big decision yesterday...no alcohol for 30 days.  It may not seem like a big deal, but it is for me.  Would I consider myself an alcoholic? No.  I can control it.  Have I been abusing alcohol?  Absolutely.  I've used it way too often to self-medicate, yet I know it only exacerbates the problem.  I feel gross afterwards, not to mention the hundreds of extra calories I surely don't need.

The hardest part, I think, will be not being able to go to bars. I'm not a person who can go to a bar and just drink water or something under most circumstances.  So, my social life may suffer a bit,  but I don't have too much of one to begin with.  And it will be a good opportunity to find new things to do.  In terms of a standard cost/benefit analysis, I definitely expect the benefits to outweigh the costs.

After 30 days alcohol-free, I expect the following:
- increase in general well-being, both physically and mentally/emotionally
- weight loss
- increased happiness
- increased self-esteem

I'm sure there will be more benefits, but those are the biggies.  And they would all be HUGE gains for me. I figure it'll be like the South Beach Diet of alcohol...cut out alcohol entirely, and then start integrating it back into my life, but in much smaller amounts.

 I feel really good about this.  Welcome, Day 2!

"Brand New Me"

I can't take credit for this one.  It's the lyrics to Alicia Keys' "Brand New Me." But I thought it was worth sharing.  It's kind of my new anthem.  :-)


It's been a while, I'm not who I was before
You look surprised, your words don't burn me anymore
Been meaning to tell you, but I guess it's clear to see
Don't be mad, it's just a brand new kind of me
Can't be bad, I found a brand new kind of free

Careful with your ego, he's the one that we should blame
Had to grab my heart back
God knows something had to change
I thought that you'd be happy
I found the one thing I need
Why you mad
It's just a brand new kind of me

It took a long, long time to get here
It took a brave, brave girl to try
It took one too many excuses, one too many lies
Don't be surprised, don't be surprised

If I talk a little louder
If I speak up when you're wrong
If I walk a little taller
I've been under you too long
If you noticed that I'm different
Don't take it personally
Don't be mad, it's just a brand new kind of me
And it ain't bad, I found a brand new kind of free

Oh, it took a long, long road to get here
It took a brave, brave girl to try
I've taken one too many excuses, one too many lies
Don't be surprised, oh see you look surprised

Hey, if you were a friend, you'd want to get to know me again
If you were worth the while
You'd be happy to see me smile
I'm not expecting sorry
I'm too busy finding myself
I got this
I found me, I found me, yeah
I don't need your opinion
I'm not waiting for your ok
I'll never be perfect, but at least now i'm brave
Now, my heart is open
And I can finally breathe
Don't be mad, it's just a brand new kind of free
That ain't bad, I found a brand new kind of me
Don't be mad, it's a brand new time for me.

"Brand New Me" video

I Survived Valentine's Day

I hate when people in relationships say that Valentine's Day is stupid.  Easy for you to say.  For those of us who aren't in a relationship but want to be, it's just another painful reminder.  A day of reading Facebook posts about how wonderful his girlfriend or her husband is.  Of seeing pictures of flowers received and Valentine's dinners cooked.  Of romantic movies on TV and love songs on the radio. My first inclination is to drink a bottle of wine to the head and hide under my covers.  But, just like every other day, it's a battle.  And I'm happy to say this battle was won.  I write this sober and stable.  I spent the day with a good friend, and the evening sleepily cuddled up with the dogs.  No tears.  No drunk texts.  Although I do have an embarrassing confession:  at one point today, I did look outside on my front porch hoping somehow flowers appeared from some secret admirer or friend who felt sorry for me.  Lame, I know.

While I'd be lying if I said I was perfectly content, it could also be a lot worse.  It has been a lot worse.  And I am blessed to have love in my life, even if it's not romantic love.  That's more than a lot of people in this world can say.  If you haven't noticed by now, my goal is to continuously spew positivity  (whether I believe it or not, honestly) in the hopes that I'll start to believe it. It's kind of working.  But I'm human.  So I save the negativity, the anger, the hurt for my personal journal.  It needs to come out somewhere.  I'm not promising that Bitter Betsy will never author one of these posts.  But I'm trying to keep her at bay.  After all, I don't want a pity party.  I want to feel empowered, and I want others to be empowered by my struggle.  I know I'm not alone.  Lonely, yes.  But alone, no.  Although sometimes it's very difficult to tell the difference.  So, now I'm tired.  And I'm going to bed.  Glad this day is over, but knowing that tomorrow will really be no different.  But what doesn't kill you makes you stronger, right?

"Happy"

At midnight, I watched a documentary called "Happy."  It explores the biological influences on happiness, as well as the things that make people happy in different parts of the world.  As a person perpetually on a quest to find happiness, I found it truly enlightening.  It's always good to look at things through the eyes of others.  You tend to find that, while people can be so completely different, there is always some sense of universality.

According to the documentary, everyone is born with a genetic set-point of happiness, which makes up 50% of your level of happiness (thanks, Mom and Dad).  Only 10% has to do with your circumstances, i.e. social status, wealth, career, etc.  The remaining 40% is choice.  Well, I may be f'd by that first 50%, but that's what the medication is for.  So, now, it's that 40% I have to work on.  The documentary noted close ties with friends and family as the greatest influence on happiness, along with being active (essentially, producing higher levels of dopamine...the happy chemical), doing things you enjoy (duh), and helping those less fortunate.

So, unable to fall asleep at 2am, my mind was racing with ways that I can choose to be happy.  Close ties with family...check.  Friends...well, close ties with the ones I've got, but it couldn't hurt to expand my social circle.  Step outside of my comfort zone.  Being active...well, I go to the gym for about an hour on most days.  However, being as that I'm currently unemployed, that still leaves many hours, on most days, of relative inactivity.  Gotta step it up.  Doing things I enjoy...well, I think I need to find more of those.  Helping those less fortunate...something I'm embarrassed to admit that I've only been thinking about for a long time.  It's time to actually do it.

Ultimately, this documentary really put things into perspective for me, and gave me a renewed sense of hope and control over my own happiness.  I have a plan.  And I believe it will work.  It's up to me to become strong, to become meaningful, to become, well, happy.

And the journey continues...

Back (kind of)

Well, it's been 7 months since my last post, my "rock bottom."  While I'm glad to say I'm in a much better place now, I am still a work in progress.  Thanks to the magic of medication, my emotions are much more balanced than they were.  I still feel a lot, but I feel at a normal intensity rather than the screaming, pounding intensity that wouldn't let me get out of bed and face the world.  I'm seeing a therapist, even though I REALLY don't want to, and even though I've seen no benefit of it yet.  I'm willing to try.
In some ways, I'm a walking paradox.  I feel hopeful, yet hopeless at the same time.  While I'm getting very impatient waiting for Mr. Right and the job of my dreams to finally open the door and invite me in, I somehow have a much more positive outlook than is typical of me.  Sure, I wallow sometimes.  Sure, I'm kind of bitter.  And, sure, there are some days when I just want to throw in the towel and give up.  But at the end of the day, I'm fighting it. And that's huge.  A friend of mine calls that alter ego of mine,(that evil, self-destructive, and angry chick) Carcie.  She still tries to take over sometimes.  But, somehow I guess I'm stronger.  Because I'm fighting her and I'm winning.  Some days it's tough.  Like, really tough.  But, so am I.