Being Present Is a Gift (haha...get it?)

Despite the very corny post title, I am very serious about this new goal of mine:  Be present.  I've realized that, way too often, I have no awareness of what's happening in the present moment (i.e. driving on the highway, adrift far into the depths of my mind, only to snap back to reality unsure of whether I'm on 476 or the turnpike because I haven't been paying attention to the present moment.  I've just been going on autopilot.)  Rather, I'm lost in my own head, usually dwelling on the past, or worrying about the future.  I've found, though, that if I can focus only on the present moment, be fully aware, be fully present in my own life, then all the dwelling and the worry gets drowned out.  It makes sense...the past has happened, it's gone and it's never coming back.  Reflection is one thing, and it has it's time and place for sure, but dwelling is never helpful.  On the other hand, the future isn't here yet, and is never guaranteed.  So, why not focus on right now...the one thing we know is real, we know is definite, and which we can control?



Just like any bad habit, it takes time to change.  It takes a conscious decision to recognize your wandering thoughts, and bring them back to the here-and-now.  But, I've found that those moments in which I'm most present, are the ones in which I'm also the most content.  There is a lot to appreciate in this world if you care to take notice.

Another Chapter

In the book of my life, I feel like most chapters are defined by a relationship.  What I find interesting (and I'm not sure yet exactly what I mean by "interesting") is how definitive an ending some of those chapters have come to have.  Of course, there are recurring characters in my life.  But, then there are those that have come and gone, completely, some without much warning, others a long time coming.  It's hard to wrap my head around the idea that I could be so close to someone, call them a best friend, say we're in love, whatever the case may be, and then one day, that chapter is over and they vanish from my life.  But it happens.  It's happened to me several times for one reason or another.  Some chapters have ended and I've never looked back.  Others still call to me sometimes, and I have the urge to peek back at a page or two.  Just to relive the good times and try to remember with fondness instead of resentment or hurt.  But that's the problem with my book.  The chapters that tempt me are the ones I really should never look back on, because in my head and my heart, they are not truly closed.  Supposedly time heals all wounds.  Some chapters take more time than others to complete.  Meanwhile, I fight the urge to flip back to a familiar page.  And just keep hoping that the next chapter will be the best one yet.

I am a Cognitive Therapist's Dream Come True

I was reading a chapter for class the other day about Cognitive Therapy.  My textbook says the following,

"In trying to discern functionality and/or rationality of a client's thinking, Maultsby (1984) proposed the following criteria:
1.  Rational thinking is based on obvious facts.
2.  Rational thinking helps people protect their lives and health.
3.  Rational thinking helps people achieve their own short- and long-term goals.
4.  Rational thinking helps people avoid their most unwanted conflicts with other people.
5.  Rational thinking helps people feel emotionally the way they want to feel without using alcohol or drugs."

The goal of cognitive therapy, then, is to correct dysfunctional or irrational thinking.

Now, let's look at my thinking in relation to the four points above:
1.  My thoughts are often based on assumptions about what others are thinking or feeling.
2.  My thoughts often make my life harder to live and decrease my mental health.
3.  My thoughts often consist of reasons why I'll never reach my goals.
4.  My thoughts often cause conflict with others (particularly in regards to romantic relationships).
5.  Most of the time, my thoughts cause me to feel sad, upset, inferior, hopeless...the exact opposite of how I want to feel.

Hmmmm.....

This isn't really news to me. But it sort of puts it into perspective to see it laid out like that.  And while it seems like it should be a relatively easy thing to just change the way you think, to just tell yourself what you want to hear and fake it 'til you make it, it's something I struggle with on a daily basis, and have for as long as I can remember.  Sure, I recognize that my thoughts aren't always based in true reality, but it's my reality for whatever reason.  I can even recognize when I'm doing it...but I can't stop it.  My brain can't seem to accept another reality, even if it's the true, rational one.  So, herein lies the problem.

Regression...

...is a bitch.  I've had a rough couple of days.  I've fallen back into old habits, and talked that crazy talk.  I'm not gonna lie...it scares me.  But, I have a couple of theories as far as why, and so I'm now eliminating as much of the cause as I can.  Yesterday, I was ashamed of myself.  I was disappointed.  I was angry.  But, this morning, I woke up in a different frame of mind.  I think that setbacks are normal on any course to significant change.  So I'm not going to beat myself up over it.  It's just a reminder of the work I still need to do, and that this work is never easy and never done.  But I guess it wouldn't be "work" if it was easy.  I  feel like there's a demon version of myself, and the past couple of days I've been fighting her off in some sort of low-budget horror movie.  I guess I was successful  because I'm still here, and she's not, or at least she's back in her hole where she belongs.  But that's not good enough.  Someday, she'll be completely gone.  Blown into oblivion by my happiness, confidence, and self-awareness.  Kind of like the Care Bear stare ;-)

Yesterday, I felt hopeless.  Today, I'm forgiving myself and moving forward with my eye on the prize.