Too Young To Die

Today, I found out that yet another person not much older than me has died.  I don't know how, but I guarantee it wasn't anything self-inflicted.  I never knew her well.  Only hung out with her once or twice.  But, I am shaken by the death of yet another person who was just too young to die.

When I think about the number of young people who have died since high school, I am floored.  Some from drug overdoses and other bad decisions.  But, many from things completely beyond their control...plane crashes, brain aneurysms, car accidents, random illnesses.  I wish I could go back to a time when I never thought about death.  When I felt invincible.  When it was just something that wouldn't happen for many, many years.  But, now, I think of it as an inevitable conclusion that could take me at any moment.  And to say I am terrified would be an extreme understatement.

I'd love to believe in reincarnation.  That, while we may only have THIS one life, we will have others, with other purposes and experiences.  But, who knows.  It just doesn't seem logical.  All I can imagine is nothingness.  Forever.  At the same time, that doesn't really seem possible either.  I could get into a whole religious or existential discussion about it.  But, the bottom line is, we'll never know until we're there.

Sure, it's a reminder that life is fragile and precious.  It's a reason to live every day to the fullest and never waste time worrying or caring about things that just don't matter.  In that way, I'm trying to use it as motivation.  Ultimately, though, it's always fear.  It's the one obstacle I have no idea how to overcome.  I try to just not think about it.  But, I do too often.  And then I feel a pit in my stomach, a feeling like no other, an insurmountable fear.

For now, though, I'm here.  And I'm more than appreciative of every day I get to be.  Today, my thoughts are with the families and friends of everyone who lost someone just too young to die.

Taking Risks

On the first day of my favorite class (Group Dynamics), my professor (my favorite of all time, might I add) told us that we'd be doing an activity that would involve taking risks.  How much or how little we wanted to risk, though, was up to us.  I've since realized that he wasn't just talking about that activity, or even that class.  He was talking about life.

Throughout my life, I've generally been more of a scaredy-cat than a risk-taker.  Scared of heights, scared of the ocean, scared of being judged, scared of not fitting in, fears on multiple levels.  But I'm proud to say that, at 32-years old, I've finally started to take risks.  Maybe not in the physical sense...I'm still afraid of heights and the ocean and won't be scaling any mountains any time soon.  But, socially, I've become much more of a risk-taker.  I've been online dating for a while now (I realize the "for a while now" part makes me sound more like a loser than a risk-taker, but whatever), and although I've yet to find any true success, it's not hurting either, and what have I got to lose.  I speak up in class a lot more than I ever have before.  I also attended two events this weekend where I knew absolutely no one.  One being a volunteer event, and the other purely social.  In both cases, I put myself out there, and it paid off.  Both were really positive experiences, and I had an exceptionally good weekend.

So now that I've jumped in, I feel as though each risk will feel a little less risky.  I only have this one life (as far as I know.  I'd still really like to believe in reincarnation, though) and I want to make the most of it.  In my counseling program, we are told time and again that anxiety is necessary in order for change to happen.  Nothing will change without an element of discomfort.  It makes sense.  And this journey is supposed to be about positive change.  I'm realizing more and more that taking risks is necessary for change.  If I don't step out of my comfort zone (which doesn't feel so comfortable anymore anyway), I'll be stuck in the same rut forever.  So far, so good.  The benefits are far outweighing the potential costs (maybe I should have been an Economics major with all of the cost/benefit analyses I've been doing lately).  So, I'm gonna keep going.  Ain't no stoppin' me now! :-)

Goodbye, Old Friend

I made a big decision yesterday...no alcohol for 30 days.  It may not seem like a big deal, but it is for me.  Would I consider myself an alcoholic? No.  I can control it.  Have I been abusing alcohol?  Absolutely.  I've used it way too often to self-medicate, yet I know it only exacerbates the problem.  I feel gross afterwards, not to mention the hundreds of extra calories I surely don't need.

The hardest part, I think, will be not being able to go to bars. I'm not a person who can go to a bar and just drink water or something under most circumstances.  So, my social life may suffer a bit,  but I don't have too much of one to begin with.  And it will be a good opportunity to find new things to do.  In terms of a standard cost/benefit analysis, I definitely expect the benefits to outweigh the costs.

After 30 days alcohol-free, I expect the following:
- increase in general well-being, both physically and mentally/emotionally
- weight loss
- increased happiness
- increased self-esteem

I'm sure there will be more benefits, but those are the biggies.  And they would all be HUGE gains for me. I figure it'll be like the South Beach Diet of alcohol...cut out alcohol entirely, and then start integrating it back into my life, but in much smaller amounts.

 I feel really good about this.  Welcome, Day 2!

"Brand New Me"

I can't take credit for this one.  It's the lyrics to Alicia Keys' "Brand New Me." But I thought it was worth sharing.  It's kind of my new anthem.  :-)


It's been a while, I'm not who I was before
You look surprised, your words don't burn me anymore
Been meaning to tell you, but I guess it's clear to see
Don't be mad, it's just a brand new kind of me
Can't be bad, I found a brand new kind of free

Careful with your ego, he's the one that we should blame
Had to grab my heart back
God knows something had to change
I thought that you'd be happy
I found the one thing I need
Why you mad
It's just a brand new kind of me

It took a long, long time to get here
It took a brave, brave girl to try
It took one too many excuses, one too many lies
Don't be surprised, don't be surprised

If I talk a little louder
If I speak up when you're wrong
If I walk a little taller
I've been under you too long
If you noticed that I'm different
Don't take it personally
Don't be mad, it's just a brand new kind of me
And it ain't bad, I found a brand new kind of free

Oh, it took a long, long road to get here
It took a brave, brave girl to try
I've taken one too many excuses, one too many lies
Don't be surprised, oh see you look surprised

Hey, if you were a friend, you'd want to get to know me again
If you were worth the while
You'd be happy to see me smile
I'm not expecting sorry
I'm too busy finding myself
I got this
I found me, I found me, yeah
I don't need your opinion
I'm not waiting for your ok
I'll never be perfect, but at least now i'm brave
Now, my heart is open
And I can finally breathe
Don't be mad, it's just a brand new kind of free
That ain't bad, I found a brand new kind of me
Don't be mad, it's a brand new time for me.

"Brand New Me" video

I Survived Valentine's Day

I hate when people in relationships say that Valentine's Day is stupid.  Easy for you to say.  For those of us who aren't in a relationship but want to be, it's just another painful reminder.  A day of reading Facebook posts about how wonderful his girlfriend or her husband is.  Of seeing pictures of flowers received and Valentine's dinners cooked.  Of romantic movies on TV and love songs on the radio. My first inclination is to drink a bottle of wine to the head and hide under my covers.  But, just like every other day, it's a battle.  And I'm happy to say this battle was won.  I write this sober and stable.  I spent the day with a good friend, and the evening sleepily cuddled up with the dogs.  No tears.  No drunk texts.  Although I do have an embarrassing confession:  at one point today, I did look outside on my front porch hoping somehow flowers appeared from some secret admirer or friend who felt sorry for me.  Lame, I know.

While I'd be lying if I said I was perfectly content, it could also be a lot worse.  It has been a lot worse.  And I am blessed to have love in my life, even if it's not romantic love.  That's more than a lot of people in this world can say.  If you haven't noticed by now, my goal is to continuously spew positivity  (whether I believe it or not, honestly) in the hopes that I'll start to believe it. It's kind of working.  But I'm human.  So I save the negativity, the anger, the hurt for my personal journal.  It needs to come out somewhere.  I'm not promising that Bitter Betsy will never author one of these posts.  But I'm trying to keep her at bay.  After all, I don't want a pity party.  I want to feel empowered, and I want others to be empowered by my struggle.  I know I'm not alone.  Lonely, yes.  But alone, no.  Although sometimes it's very difficult to tell the difference.  So, now I'm tired.  And I'm going to bed.  Glad this day is over, but knowing that tomorrow will really be no different.  But what doesn't kill you makes you stronger, right?

"Happy"

At midnight, I watched a documentary called "Happy."  It explores the biological influences on happiness, as well as the things that make people happy in different parts of the world.  As a person perpetually on a quest to find happiness, I found it truly enlightening.  It's always good to look at things through the eyes of others.  You tend to find that, while people can be so completely different, there is always some sense of universality.

According to the documentary, everyone is born with a genetic set-point of happiness, which makes up 50% of your level of happiness (thanks, Mom and Dad).  Only 10% has to do with your circumstances, i.e. social status, wealth, career, etc.  The remaining 40% is choice.  Well, I may be f'd by that first 50%, but that's what the medication is for.  So, now, it's that 40% I have to work on.  The documentary noted close ties with friends and family as the greatest influence on happiness, along with being active (essentially, producing higher levels of dopamine...the happy chemical), doing things you enjoy (duh), and helping those less fortunate.

So, unable to fall asleep at 2am, my mind was racing with ways that I can choose to be happy.  Close ties with family...check.  Friends...well, close ties with the ones I've got, but it couldn't hurt to expand my social circle.  Step outside of my comfort zone.  Being active...well, I go to the gym for about an hour on most days.  However, being as that I'm currently unemployed, that still leaves many hours, on most days, of relative inactivity.  Gotta step it up.  Doing things I enjoy...well, I think I need to find more of those.  Helping those less fortunate...something I'm embarrassed to admit that I've only been thinking about for a long time.  It's time to actually do it.

Ultimately, this documentary really put things into perspective for me, and gave me a renewed sense of hope and control over my own happiness.  I have a plan.  And I believe it will work.  It's up to me to become strong, to become meaningful, to become, well, happy.

And the journey continues...

Back (kind of)

Well, it's been 7 months since my last post, my "rock bottom."  While I'm glad to say I'm in a much better place now, I am still a work in progress.  Thanks to the magic of medication, my emotions are much more balanced than they were.  I still feel a lot, but I feel at a normal intensity rather than the screaming, pounding intensity that wouldn't let me get out of bed and face the world.  I'm seeing a therapist, even though I REALLY don't want to, and even though I've seen no benefit of it yet.  I'm willing to try.
In some ways, I'm a walking paradox.  I feel hopeful, yet hopeless at the same time.  While I'm getting very impatient waiting for Mr. Right and the job of my dreams to finally open the door and invite me in, I somehow have a much more positive outlook than is typical of me.  Sure, I wallow sometimes.  Sure, I'm kind of bitter.  And, sure, there are some days when I just want to throw in the towel and give up.  But at the end of the day, I'm fighting it. And that's huge.  A friend of mine calls that alter ego of mine,(that evil, self-destructive, and angry chick) Carcie.  She still tries to take over sometimes.  But, somehow I guess I'm stronger.  Because I'm fighting her and I'm winning.  Some days it's tough.  Like, really tough.  But, so am I.