Over

I take it all back. This is rock bottom. Shutting down for a while.

And With a Flip of a Switch...

It's like a switch flips.  When it's up, I'm up.  When it's down, I'm down.  And some days, it's just stuck somewhere in the middle.  Today is one of those "somewhere in the middle" days.  But I'll take it.  I feel like, logically, I know all the tricks. I know exactly what I'm supposed to do, but it just doesn't work like that.  I know that I have it better than the majority of people in this world, and that I have a lot to be thankful for.  So, why can't I just focus on that and be happy?  That's one thing I hope to learn; how to place more emphasis on the positives and keep that switch in the "up" position.  Seems simple.  So I guess, first, I have to find out why it's not.  And then go from there.

What is God?

I have never been a religious person.  I have never believed in God in the traditional sense.  My family is Jewish, but I'd say that my connection to Judaism, and especially to synagogue, ended the minute I was Bat Mitzvahed.  I've never prayed, I've never believed that, if I asked God, I would receive.  But I do believe in my own concept of God.  And I'm hoping to connect more to that throughout this journey.  A good friend recently asked me what God was to me.  This was my response...

God is a presence.  God is neither man nor woman, young nor old, or of any particular race.  God is you, God is me, God is the tree growing in your backyard, the sun in the sky, and the waves of the ocean.  God is in every breath I take.  God is the creator of the universe and is therefore the universe, itself.  God is morality and love and perfection.  You will never see “it” (for lack of a better term), you can only feel it.  God is not a scapegoat, not the cause of your problems, or the solution to them.  When good things happen, people thank God.  When bad things happen, they ask how God could allow it.  But God does not purposefully give us rewards and punishments.  Our actions cause us to be rewarded or punished.  Outside of our actions, the universe works in mysterious ways.  God is our ability to be thankful for the gifts, and overcome the trials.  God is the explanation for the unexplainable; the miracles that occur in this world every day, but often go unnoticed.  God was no more a man at the beginning of time than now.  God is spirit, which exists in every living being and cannot be taken away.  God is not to be worshipped, but acknowledged, appreciated, and respected.  Without love and respect for that which created me and exists within me, there can be no self-love and self-respect.    God is the peace I feel when I close my eyes in silence and take a deep breath.  God is the tears I cry when I feel alone and can’t seem to find its presence.  God is comfort, but God is also truth.  Although God is always there, it is not always easy to feel.  God’s true presence requires openness to oneself, to the endless possibilities of a beautiful and terrifying universe, and to an unconditional, honest acceptance of things as they are and one’s ability to change them.    I believe in God.  I believe in the power of faith and of spirit.   I also believe that I have a lot of work to do if I want to truly experience what I know is there, deep inside me, screaming from the inside out.  I believe in God, and I believe that God is hidden in me.

The Search Begins...

I am 31 years old, single (previously engaged, but called it off), stuck in a job that I'm ready to leave, generally incapable of being alone without the company of alcohol, and I feel like I'm watching the world pass me by.  While I know that I actually have it pretty good, unfortunately, I can't seem to find comfort in that, when my heart is aching, and my brain is spewing negativity.  However, I also know that the ache and the negativity are not caused by the external factors I complain about; they are the direct result of the missing connection between me and, well, me.  So I'm starting a journey. Not only to find this "me" hidden inside, but to really, truly, genuinely love her.  I am confident that, only then, will I know true happiness, no matter what or who else I have.  So, here goes nothing.  The search begins.  Come out, come out, wherever you are. ;-)