How to Win

It's the first of December, which means I will be 35 years old before this month is over.  I'd be lying if I said I wasn't having a bit of a hard time with this.  In many ways, I don't even feel like I've reached adulthood, let alone 35 year-old adulthood.  Sure, I'm capable of adult things like dressing and feeding myself, getting to and from work every day, and paying bills (I mean physically paying them, not necessarily being able to afford them).   I manage to care for a bunch of living, breathing, emotional creatures who seem to be pretty happy with the life I've given them.  And, while I continuously remind myself to be grateful for all of the wonderful things I have, rather than focusing on the things I don't (some of which I don't even really want), I continue to wish, I continue to dwell, and I continue to question why I can't just stop the war that plays out in my own head every single day.  It's kind of a catch-22...the more good things I have in my life, the shittier I feel for ever feeling shitty in the first place because, really, I have so much to be happy about.  So while the rational thoughts struggle to punch the irrational in the face over and over and over, the irrational just keep getting up and fighting back.  And, frankly, it's exhausting for everyone.  Some days, I feel like giving up the fight.  Some days, I feel like I should let go of everything that makes me happy because I'm just pissing on it anyway and it's not fair.  But, there are days, though much less frequent, when I am full of light and hope and confidence and a sense that I'll be just fine... great, even.  On those days, I have so much to give, so much to offer the world, and have no problem giving a big middle finger to all of the things I don't have as I wrap my arms around everything I do.  So, while 35 has the potential to be a really awesome year, in some ways the passing of time has done me more harm than good, and I am apprehensive about what another year will do.  The clock ticks with every irrational, self-destructive thought that crosses my mind and decides to make camp there, as I work up the strength to keep putting out the fires they start.  I'm used to the burns, and the scars that they leave, but my skin is starting to weaken.  I guess 35 will just have to be the year I finally figure out how to win.